| jessie on christmas |
[24 Dec 2004|04:13pm] |
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mood |
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 touched |
] |
christmas
consumerism day
annual material possesion day.
you know what i like? mistletoe.
though it is not something australians usually do..
one year, i spent christmas time with a canadian family.. the daughter, marianne, went to my school and invited me over.
the son, paul, and i avoided eye contact all night.
he was beautiful, chin length blonde hair, seaweed green eyes, and an adorable accent.
after a night of bumping into each other and "uh.. sorry.. bye"s.. we ended up chatting in the hall way about australia and canada and the different christmases.
"speaking of..." he whispered as his eyes turned towards the roof. my eyes followed and i saw the mistletoe. a smile crept across my face and we lent to share a beautiful, warm kiss.
i hope for some similar celebrations this year
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| hannah's easy like sunday morning. |
[15 Dec 2004|02:14am] |
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mood |
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 crushed |
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| [ |
music |
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cat racer - heartbroken... again |
] |
oh my god.. i've never felt so physically sore.
my chest, my throat, my eyes, my fists, my stomach.
i'm so exhausted from crying all the time.
i hate him so much.
it is just so hard for me to think.. to figure out how it all happened.
then it hit me.
i am pathetic.. i am ugly.. i am disgusting.. i am lame.. i nag.. i cry..
am i not pretty enough? is my heart too broken? do i cry too much? am i too outspoken? why do you see right through me?
wait that sounds familiar... maybe its virgo ontario.
fuck.. i hate him.. i hate her. Amelie. Stuck up French bitch with an Avril Lavingne-esque fashion sense. What a slut. I hate her.
I told Rafe that i couldn't make it to the party.. i didn't think i could.. but Hannah somehow got to borrow her Dad's Mercedes and gave me a lift. I walked in, ready to surprise my love. I wondered why people gave me strange looks.. then walked outside, and saw their lips locking together.
My heart thrashed inside my ribcage, trying to escape, because this was too much.
I won't write what else happened.. it's embarassing.
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| dont mess with shit |
[15 Dec 2004|02:13am] |
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mood |
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 artistic |
] |
| [ |
music |
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screaming |
] |
- hannah holden's masterpiece
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| Doctor Hannah Holden's diagnosis |
[15 Dec 2004|01:15am] |
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mood |
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 nauseated |
] |
| [ |
music |
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dashgay confuckingfagsional |
] |
Heartbroken...alone...crying...feeling down? Maybe you need a reality check!
You have caught the lamefuckass disease!!
The only cure - death
----------
Han Holden
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[05 Dec 2004|06:54pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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</3 |
] |
| [ |
music |
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stephanie - heart break club |
] |
i hate you
with all my heart
we're over. just die.
forever apart.
my insides turned from red to black
with your nasty, deadly kisses
your poisonous saliva
your hurtful, spiteful hisses
i don't know when or why you changed
or was it just that i was blind?
now i know that you're the devil
not my lover, sweet and kind.
i want to take your stupid face
i want to make you pay
your face i will disfigure
in a most unpleasant way.
your face, your lips, to be exact
are the devils tools
your lips, they did betray my heart
the heart, it is a fool's
a fool to ever love again
a fool to ever trust
never again. a heart of stone.
i'll stay alone - i must.
for if a trust another
he might be just like you
a traitor, a jerk, a pain in my heart
i don't know what i'd do.
because i just can't handle
the pain i feel inside
my heart has frozen, splintered, cracked
i feel that i may die.
rafe and i broke up.
he cheated.
i can't handle this at all.
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[09 Nov 2004|08:35pm] |
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mood |
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sad |
] |
| [ |
music |
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dr. paul - listen closer |
] |
rafe.. i don't know what to say
these last few weeks have been so good and so bad and so fun and so wrong and so fucking draining. you know i love you. i really do. and i know you love me... so why do we have to act like children?
everything i say.. you kick and scream and cry.
everything YOU say.. I kick and scream and cry.
fuck it.. let's be adults.
let's not be so hurtful and bratty.
i haven't done anything wrong.. taylor and i were just chatting. he's a nice guy. why can't you respect that we were talking? i don't even know the guy.
rafe... i would never do anything to hurt our relationship .. it means so much to me.
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[28 Oct 2004|08:15pm] |
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| poem by jessie jeremiah |
[21 Oct 2004|02:52pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 confused |
] |
seeing you makes
my heart dance
my palms sweat
my eyes dilate
my throat ache
my stomach turn
my cheeks burn
my mouth twitch
my neck itch
my teeth grind
youre unkind
youre beautiful
youre unsuitable
youre forbidden fruit
youre fucking cute
youre always there
youre always somewhere
youre lurking around
youre waiting to be found
youre so good
maybe i should
maybe you care
maybe i stare
maybe it's just me
maybe it could be
maybe i'm shit
yeah thats it
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[17 Oct 2004|11:54pm] |
teddy got some love last night
he deserves it.. he's a thoughtful boy <3
rafe and i are ok. but theres something wrong. & i think its my fault. more on this later.
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| Good to Know That If I Ever Need Attention All I Have to Do Is Die |
[14 Oct 2004|04:24pm] |
Hey Lovers,
Wooo, finally practicing again tonight. It's been so hard lately. Jessie has been mending this with Rafe and don't tell anyone but Han has to work extra hours on her shitty minimum wage job to cover the insurance premium on her Dad's BMW.
However tonight we are jamming on 3 of the "4 Seasons" songs - She Talked to Me, Boy Said/Girl Said and It's Always Summer.
As for my love life, hmm, well I might make a post soon :)
Love.
Teddy
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[20 Sep 2004|12:28am] |
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mood |
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 indescribable |
] |
hey guys..
i haven't written for a while because i've been an absolute mess.
i've written so much poetry and drawn some horrible, dark pictures.. i may post some in the future.
when rafe and i were fighting i was so scared, like, paralyzed with anger and hurt and confusion.
i considered killing myself, ending the pain. i had a scalpel in my hand, and i held it against my wrists.
i was just about to pierce my flesh and end it all when my mobile phone beeped.
an sms.. from rafe.
"JESSIE IM READY TO TALK. MEET ME AT THE PARK IN 20 MINUTES. LUV RAFE"
play with my fucking emotions will you. i threw the scalpel into the wall and tried to hide my hideous red eyes and cheeks with some makeup. my glasses were all foggy and i could barely see but i made my way to the park.
he was waiting at "our" bench, the bench with RF<3sJJ carved into it with the same scalpel that was about to end my life.
he looked so painfully beautiful as his black fringe fell over his eyes. i sat next to him and he threw his arms around me.
"i'm sorry jessie. i just didn't know how to handle everything. but i don't want to lose you. i love you"
he loves me.
he loves me.
rafe ashley foreman loves me.
i melted into his arms and i wept.
i never want to fight again.
that period where i thought i'd lost him was the hardest 2 days of my life.
he loves me...
<3 jessie jeremiah
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[13 Sep 2004|08:07pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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crushed |
] |
i can't stop crying
rafe and i had a fight today
i am so so scared
he was yelling and i was yelling
i don't even know how it started. he called me a "paranoid suffocating leech". and it tore out my heart.
i screamed and pounded his chest with my fists.
"FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU!" i yelled and cried.
"NO! FUCK YOU! LEAVE ME ALONE! I CAN'T BREATHE!" and he walked out.. slamming my door.
i tore down my posters and ran my fingernails down my face.
i'm a failure as a girlfriend
how can i make someone not stand to be around me?
the best thing that ever happened to me and i make him so unhappy...
i lay in my bed and cried
and cried
i cried so violently
my throat and my stomach are so sore..
i've been messaging him but he won't reply..
maybe he's with someone else
maybe i should message him again...
i can't bear being away from him.
what the fuck did he mean by "paranoid suffocating leech?"
</3 jessie jeremiah
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| smashed |
[08 Sep 2004|11:52am] |
Crashed my dads bmw yesterday - he's pretty pissed so now im grounded. Can you believe that, 17 years old and still able to be grounded! I hate him!! Come on its just a car dad, wake up! Life is so pathetic and just got worse.
My life seems to have hit the same wall as the stupid car!
found this on the other hand its how i feel about cars these days.
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| Apology for a Friend |
[07 Sep 2004|09:44pm] |
Well Friends...
I have been isolting myself.
Jessie has been off with Rafe half the time, and Han has had all the access to her parents' BMW. Meg - she's off somewhere. So I have been arranging some music.
4 Seasons will be reharsing soon!
Woo!
-Teddy
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[01 Sep 2004|11:03pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 uncomfortable |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Cat Racer - Rip My Heart In 3 |
] |
sometimes i wish i could speak out
that i could tell people how much they hurt me
or how much i love them
or how frustrated i am with this pointless life
sometimes i wish that i was beautiful
that i didn't have to rely on my personality
because my personality is bleak and offputting to some
some get offended when i tell them that they are conforming to a mindless blur of colour and giggles.
sometimes i wish that you would all leave me alone
that you didn't flaunt your happiness and love in my face, taunting me and making the tears fall.
i would sit in my bedroom with the curtains drawn. writing and drawing and listening to cds.. sending myself insane by thinking of the world outside my door. thinking of you, rafe.
today i saw the boy that i used to see around. the one i would (for lack of a softer word) stalk.. Rafe and i went out for coffee and as i went to the counter to pay, he came up beside me to complain about his latte. he turned and looked at me, and said "hey". wow..
"huh" i said.. meaning "hey" or "hi".. or SOMETHING better than "huh". then i turned and went back to Rafe.
"who was that?" he asked me. i said that i didn't know. but now i did. he had a nametag. it said Taylor.
the boy has a name.. but it doesn't mean anything.
Rafe means the world to me. I've forgotten about Taylor already.
<3 jessie jeremiah
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| jessie writes again................... |
[29 Aug 2004|11:02pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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melancholy |
] |
rafe foreman
radiantly fierce
rarely forceful
ruins fashion
rates females
rock faux
rain fan
runs far
rubber face
romance fuckup
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| Open Hearts, Open Minds |
[24 Aug 2004|09:35am] |
Heya Kids,
Teddy here. Sorry I have been so reclusive. I have been in hiding while the band jams on the the new album, which we hope to demo by February next year. Arranging the strings and brass (I'm telling you this album is the most epic album from an "emo" band ever) has stirred my sould, and has also given rise to some painful memories.
I will come out of hiding soon, when most of the arranging is done.
I have shown some of the new songs to some people, and they were like "Whoa - it's The Get Up Kids meets The Magnetic Fields and Spiritualised". I take that as a compliment.
I was in Canberra on the weekend, for business reasons, and I had my fave New Amsterdams T on and this dude was like "Yeah, New Amsterdams!! \m/ [rock symbol]" His fave band was The Get Up Kids. How cool is that?! There is hope for us all.
Anyhew better go back to dying my hair and arranging "4 Seasons".
-Teddy
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[23 Aug 2004|08:16pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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crushed |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
autumn patrol - remnants of romance |
] |
rafe
today i told you how i felt
that you mean more to me than anyone else has before
i told you that i am in love with you
and i begged you to never hurt me
never leave me
always hold me
always be near
you hugged me tight and said that hurting me was the last thing he ever wanted to do.
no "i love you"
no "i feel the same"
no "you mean so much to me"
you must hate me..
</3 jessie
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[14 Aug 2004|11:22pm] |
just thinking..
i miss a lot of people.. feeling insecure in a relationship really give syou time to think about those you really care about. i care about Rafe so much but i can't help but feel he's going to hurt me more than i can imagine.
-and i miss my Nanna. it's so sad that the world takes beautiful people away.
-i miss the boy i liked up until i met Rafe. i hated him but loved him.. and i still sometimes think that we'd be so beautiful together. though it would never happen
-i miss Seb. not my ex..he was a dick. but Seb from home and away. he was lovely.
-i miss my internet friend Scott. he made me feel better about myself with his beautiful words and kind heart.. though i think my arrogance and hurt soul scared him off. i'm so sorry Scott..
-i miss Rafe.. old Rafe.
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